Finally Loosing Again

Well it has been awhile since I have posted. Just living so fast and furious, trying to remember to take the time to take care of myself. Take those small slow bites, wait the 1 minute. Just simple things that I sometimes don't take the time to do. I always feel a bit funny when out to eat and everyone is finished but me. Or when the waiter keeps coming bay asking if everything is ok. I feel like yelling "yes, do you mind if I don't cram my food all it at once" Makes me think how society as a whole just eats so fast. Always in a hurry. I am really hoping that some weight drops a bit in the next couple of weeks. I think it will now.

TO FILL OR NOT TO FILL??

Today I see my Dr. I don't know where I am right now in this journey. I have been so busy and running and going that I just haven't taken time out to do some self checking. I had my 19 year old niece stay with us for over a week, at which time my mother came and was with us for 2 weeks and my grandson. Now this weekend I have my daughter-n-law and their 2 kids. My daughter and her 2. Wow!! this has been the busiest summer. It is super fun though. I love having them all at my house and cooking for them. Playing with the grandkids is the greatest.
Well back to the fill situation....so I know today the Dr is going to ask me "do you think you need a fill" some days I know I need one and some days I feel like I can barely eat. I also think my weight loss is going to be really low. I hate that, makes me feel like such a looser (and not in the right way!!)... I guess I will figure it out and udpate tomorrow if I get a fill or not.

Looking forward to a really fun weekend!!!

Lillie

Monday, Monday

Not doing my best today. Feeling really tired and wasn't ready to get up this morning. Oh well, sometimes that makes for the best days. Had a really tough episode Saturday night at a dinner. I think I ate too fast or got too much rice in my food, was having Chinese food. I spent the rest of the evening and even yesterday feeling "stuck" and sliming. This morning still taking it easy, eating something a bit soft for breakfast. I think that might be the worse I have ever had. It's really hard to remember to focus on eating slowly when eating when others. At home and when its just me hubby eating out, I use a timer on my iphone. Works perfect. Not exactly cool to get your iphone out and time your eating at a dinner. Everyone eats so darn fast, when I go really slow it is very noticable. Well just have to keep doing what I need to do. Great week to all!!!

Am I Finally moving off this number???

I have been on one of those roller coasters where one morning I weigh one thing, the next morning 2 lbs lighter, the next day back to the original number, the next day one number higher, the next day 2 lbs lighter. Get the picture??? I hate that. Finally for 2 days now I have been 2 lbs lighter. Maybe finally I am moving on, back on track with loosing. I am following a pretty good plan with occasional treats. I won't call them "cheats" or anything like that because they aren't, they are planned small portions of something sweet. I have to make sure I keep that limited and keep it as a treat and not habit. I think I have be able to live with my plan forever and I know that living forever with nothing sweet isn't going to happen. I am of the belief that if you allow yourself a small portion of something occasionally it will keep you satisfied. My usual treat is "Starbucks" I have a bad addiction to light extra coffee caramel frapp!! Heck yeah!!! Love those darn things.

Time to "cowboy up"

Ok, its time for me to get on the stick and quit sitting around sabotaging myself. I really need to get past these 3 weights that I bounce around with. Everyday I weight 239, 241, or 242. WTF... I want to move down and be more consistent. I know my fill is good, I can feel it working. I have really been feeling over-whelmed and stressed alot. I think it is just the summer and so much going on. This feelings always leave me eating and by eating I mean eating the wrong stuff. I do so good all day and then in the evening I have been deciding that I "deserve" something. Well what the hell I deserve is to have a healthy, functioning body. I deserve some nice new clothes from a regular store. Am I scared?? I could be. I don't remember buying clothes from a regular store, I don't remember not having this fat shielding me from life. I have always had it. Sometimes it scares me??? What will I do, who will I be if I am not "overweight Lillie". What excuse for not participating in life will I have? Crap maybe I need some advice!!!

The "No Fill" Visit

Last Thursday I had my monthly check up visit with my Dr. Since I had lost 8 pounds in the month he felt like I did not need a fill. He thought that was really good. It's so hard for me to tell if I need a fill or not. I know in the morning I can't eat much, I know when I eat bread or something like pasta I can't hardly eat it. I do get full. The problem is at night. I don't know if I am hungry or just snacking out of habit??? That is the hardest thing for me. I really think I maybe just like to snack out of habit and boredom, or emotional eating. Me and my husband are not very active in the evening unless we have a meeting or something else to do. I really think the TV bores me, which could cause the snacking. I am going to work hard at not doing that for awhile. Maybe tonight when I get that feeling that it's time to get something to eat, I will write down what I am thinking or feeling. Take care everyone!!!

Bought something NEW!!!

I actually bought a new pair of pants last night. Get this, I have not even tried them on. If they don't fit they will fit soon. I usually don't let myself buy things like that anymore. The rule is usually if they don't fit right now, don't get them. I feel good that these will fit me soon. I will try them on tonight. I am wondering what the Dr will do when I go see him. My loosing is pretty good and I feel restrictive. At night I still have issues, I think its just habits. I try to just have some popcorn (even though i was told not too). I pop it myself in the microwave, in a paper bag, so I know it is very very low in caloriess.

I am really excited to be starting the Mary Kay thing. Tonight I pick up some more of my stuff. My main goal is just to keep involved and make some new friends. The lady that got me started said to me that she wanted to find some place to work that everyone was happy. Well I think it could be a good part time job for me just because of that reason. It's just all about feeling good and making yourself look nice. Becoming the woman I want to be.

Father's Day

For me holidays, any holiday is always about eating and/or food. I worked really hard to have a nice time, cook my husband his special treats and stay the heck out of them. My band has what I think is pretty good restriction, however, nothing stops the wanting of the food. That is just training and habits and learning to release all the stress and not eat. My father is still alive and as usual I didn't get to see him. He was at my brothers. My brother has a really big nice place and can afford all the fun stuff. I can't. Don't get me wrong, I have a great job and I do really good. We basically have all we could ever want, but I don't have the extra money to take my dad on really fancy trips. Just because I can't do those things, doesn't mean I don't want to see my dad. I guess those things are alot more inviting than coming to my house.

This all just goes back to my feelings of insecurity and not being enough. So when this weight is off of me, what will I blame all of these feelings on? I am one of those people that has blamed everything on being the fat girl. I know it's wrong, but heck once you have been doing that for so long that is how it happens.

I think my weight is coming off pretty good, I just keep trying to do what I am suppossed. The exercise is still not good... gotta better at that!!! Everyone take good care of yourself!!

Finally adding some pics!!!

We took a picture of me the day of surgery. All of this time it has been on my old phone, i didn't get the picture off my old phone before I changed to the iphone. Finally today I set down and took a few minutes to get that picture off. I really wanted it to be part of this blog so I can't see my progress. Here it is. Also adding a picture that was before the surgery back in Sept.

I THINK THIS IS THE SWEET SPOT???

I think this feeling I have when I eat too much is called "full". Wow!!! it's like the lights came on. Yesterday I ate a bit more than I should have and boy did it freaking hurt!!! So here is the deal folks when you start feeling full you stop eating. What?? Yes, I am serious you can just stop eating. Now that is new.......

Here are the rules for fullness---
1. you don't have to wait till your about to throw up to stop
2. it is ok to throw food away
3. it is ok to not stack your plate sky high
4. you are allowed to taste something and not finish it
5. if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it (really!!)
6. just because they serve you the salad you don't have to eat it

I am learing these new fullness rules. I have never applied them before, however, there is no reason why I can't learn them and use them now. I just need to practice, practice. I hope everyone has a great weekend, remember to listen to your band.....

FEELING BLAH!!!

I feel so blah and like I just can't lose this weight fast enough. I feel like I have done really well and then something happens that brings me down to reality that I am still so large. So you ask, "what in the world could make you feel like that" How bout trying on clothes. I have realized that i have huge issues when I go shopping, it really brings me down. I guess its just a slap in the face at what size I still am. I try to remember the important thing....what size I WAS and what size i WILL BE when this is all done. I don't know I thinkI just had one of those times when my expectations were really high and it didn't work out. The thing is to just keep on keeping on and living right, eating right and taking excellent care of myself. Love to all!!!

I NEEDED A WEEKEND

Even though this was a short week, boy am I tired. I have so much to do this weekend, several Eastern Star events to attend. I had some dissapointed today, I had some dresses that I planned on wearing (I made this decision a month ago) of course being the sicko I am I picked out dresses that were too small and thought "by then" they would fit me. I know better than to do this, I know that these expectations only lead to disaster. So i really began to feel like crud about myself. Like even with the band i still have issues. I just need to find some good things about myself and quit finding the negative. I am loosing this weight, I am moving forward. It just takes time. It's hard, the band makes it better, but it is still hard!!!! Well time to move on and get past it, find something different to wear and have a nice weekend.

Wow, its been awhile since I have posted. We were gone on Vacation last week, what a great time we had in New Orleans. I managed to stay on a pretty good eating plan while there. I had taste of the things I like the best and tried to get in all my protein. I think it helped that I had a fill right before we went. One morning while we were on our way to a Swamp Tour I think I was eating to fast in the car. I had a very bad episode. I now know what is meant by "sliming" yuk yuk. It was certainly no fun and my stomach was sore the rest of the day. I took it easy for the next day and only ate soft things. Well glad to be back home!!!

What is Normal??

I was thinking about that question this morning when I got on the scale. Down 2 pounds, that is good and I am happy. I was wondering when I would be at a "normal" size. I am not sure why we say that we want to be normal, really I think we just want to appear normal. I want everyone else to look at me and not think "oh she is fat" I want them to think "oh she is normal". I don't even know what normal is?? So maybe I don't want to be normal, I just don't want FAT to be the first thing people see and think. Some days the eating is still hard. People don't understand that the band doesn't keep you from wanting to act on your emotional response which for me would be eating. I just need to keep moving forward and finding happiness in what size I am now and looking in the mirror and learning to love what is there.

Getting Seconds

Hopefully today I will be getting my second fill. I must admit that I have not posted much. I think I have been pretty dissapointed in myself. I feel like I should be doing better. I hope the second fill will help me some. It's so hard to be patient and let the weight come off slow. In the past I have always over-done the diet, if you know what I mean. Lost weight really quickly, problem is guess what happens??? Yep, it all comes back plus some. I know this is the reason to take it easy and let it come off slow. Relax Lillie, let the band be your tool and take it easy. Learn the good habits that will last a lifetime. Find somethings to be grateful for, they are there.

Soft Foods are GOOD

Well I have not kept up with this blog as well as I said I would. I moved into soft foods and that has really helped. I feel like I am eating again. I have noticed over the weekend some actual hunger coming on. I see the nutritionist tomorrow and the Dr. next week. I wonder if I get a fill next week?? I don't even know. I hope so, I am just anxious to get past the healing and know what life will really be like. The weight is still coming off really good. I must get some exercise in my life. I keep saying and saying that. A lady invited me to meet her a Zumba class, and now I am feeling like I might be too old for that. I am 48 and I bet everyone at that class is young. I guess I should not let that bother me, but I do. I have to just get the confidence to do what I want and need to do regardless of others. That has always been hard for me. My incisions are healing just fine, no problems at all. All in all so far this is a good thing!!!!

Back in the Office

Yesterday I worked from home. Had a good weekend, tried to get lots of rest, knowing I would be back to work on Monday. I had lots of problems with nausea, I guess it's normal. Yesterday I finally called the nutritionist and she said to move to mushy foods, which goes from clear liquids to food like cream of wheat, cottage cheese, pudding, mash potatoes, things like that. It is very small amounts per serving, like only 1/2 cup. I got a bit excited last night trying to figure out how I could have some cottage cheese and some pudding. I have to get over that mentality. I guess it's the old diet ways kicking in. I also felt a bit fearful, 1.fear of eating food and getting sick, how is my stomach going to react, i don't want to vomit, etc. 2.fear of gaining weight, I know that is crazy, but I am loosing weight, and I am scared if I eat some normal food that will stop. I did find myself over the weekend wondering what to do with myself. Sunday is a day of cooking or going to eat, I couldn't really do any of those things. No reason anymore to cook a big ole meal on Sunday, just me and hubby at home. I think hubby missed our weekend routine of going to breakfast. I see no reason why we can't go next weekend. I can order some oatmeal that is mushy. We enjoy sitting there talking and having coffee, no reason not to do that. Just have to get accustomed to the changes. Have a great great day ever..... Lovely Banded Lil

HOME SWEET HOME....

I am home...wooohoo. I had to stay overnight at the hospital as a requirement from my insurance company. I have to say this was an easy procedure. I did not have any problems at all. The shoulders are sore due to the gas pain. They pump air, or gas or something into your stomach so it blows up and they have room to work in there. So then this gas moves up through your shoulders and other areas. It can kinda of painful, but not to bad. The more you walk and move around the more the gas will move through and out!!! So I went into surgery and after a few deep breaths I was out and woke up in recovery. In recovery they gave me a very small cup of ice chips to help with the dry mouth. My throat was sore and I was out of it. After about an hour or so they moved me to my room. I had to go down and have a swallow test. Now that sucks!!! you have to stand up in this xray machine and drink some white barium drink while the dr watches it pass into your stomach. You don't have to drink too much, but it is thick and yucky. So back up to my room and then I get some ice water. Now that was goood, I was ready for it, so dry mouth. I still did not feel much pain. They took really good care of me. I actually got some dinner!!! It consisted of the much beloved jello, a cup of crystal lite, a bowl of broth, and some tea, oh and dessert of a Popsicle. Had to take a dose of nausea medicine and that pretty much put me out. So that was yesterday!!!! not bad for the first day of the rest of my life!!!!

Tomorrow is the Big Band Day

I can't believe tomorrow is the day. My first appointment with Dr. Wright was back on January 13. It has moved really quick. The last 2 weeks I have been on protein shakes twice a day and one low carb meal, usually dinner. I have had sugar free jello and frozen treats some. Usually in the evening I have one snack, either pork skins or peanuts. I have my prescriptions filled already, liquid meds for nausea and liquid meds for pain. I have read that the pain is pretty bad, so I am a bit scared!!! I go back and forth from being really excited and ready, to feeling sort of depressed, like "why has it come to this"?, why can't I do this without surgery. I guess like everyone I have tried everything, lost the weight and then gained it back. Sometimes I even feel a bit mournful for the food I will be missing. Now that is horrible, but wow, there is lots of things I could potentially never be able to eat again. I tell you, I am ready to feel better, get this fat off of me and start living again. I have good support and will get through this tomorrow..... lovely lovely lil