TO FILL OR NOT TO FILL??

Today I see my Dr. I don't know where I am right now in this journey. I have been so busy and running and going that I just haven't taken time out to do some self checking. I had my 19 year old niece stay with us for over a week, at which time my mother came and was with us for 2 weeks and my grandson. Now this weekend I have my daughter-n-law and their 2 kids. My daughter and her 2. Wow!! this has been the busiest summer. It is super fun though. I love having them all at my house and cooking for them. Playing with the grandkids is the greatest.
Well back to the fill situation....so I know today the Dr is going to ask me "do you think you need a fill" some days I know I need one and some days I feel like I can barely eat. I also think my weight loss is going to be really low. I hate that, makes me feel like such a looser (and not in the right way!!)... I guess I will figure it out and udpate tomorrow if I get a fill or not.

Looking forward to a really fun weekend!!!

Lillie

Monday, Monday

Not doing my best today. Feeling really tired and wasn't ready to get up this morning. Oh well, sometimes that makes for the best days. Had a really tough episode Saturday night at a dinner. I think I ate too fast or got too much rice in my food, was having Chinese food. I spent the rest of the evening and even yesterday feeling "stuck" and sliming. This morning still taking it easy, eating something a bit soft for breakfast. I think that might be the worse I have ever had. It's really hard to remember to focus on eating slowly when eating when others. At home and when its just me hubby eating out, I use a timer on my iphone. Works perfect. Not exactly cool to get your iphone out and time your eating at a dinner. Everyone eats so darn fast, when I go really slow it is very noticable. Well just have to keep doing what I need to do. Great week to all!!!

Am I Finally moving off this number???

I have been on one of those roller coasters where one morning I weigh one thing, the next morning 2 lbs lighter, the next day back to the original number, the next day one number higher, the next day 2 lbs lighter. Get the picture??? I hate that. Finally for 2 days now I have been 2 lbs lighter. Maybe finally I am moving on, back on track with loosing. I am following a pretty good plan with occasional treats. I won't call them "cheats" or anything like that because they aren't, they are planned small portions of something sweet. I have to make sure I keep that limited and keep it as a treat and not habit. I think I have be able to live with my plan forever and I know that living forever with nothing sweet isn't going to happen. I am of the belief that if you allow yourself a small portion of something occasionally it will keep you satisfied. My usual treat is "Starbucks" I have a bad addiction to light extra coffee caramel frapp!! Heck yeah!!! Love those darn things.

Time to "cowboy up"

Ok, its time for me to get on the stick and quit sitting around sabotaging myself. I really need to get past these 3 weights that I bounce around with. Everyday I weight 239, 241, or 242. WTF... I want to move down and be more consistent. I know my fill is good, I can feel it working. I have really been feeling over-whelmed and stressed alot. I think it is just the summer and so much going on. This feelings always leave me eating and by eating I mean eating the wrong stuff. I do so good all day and then in the evening I have been deciding that I "deserve" something. Well what the hell I deserve is to have a healthy, functioning body. I deserve some nice new clothes from a regular store. Am I scared?? I could be. I don't remember buying clothes from a regular store, I don't remember not having this fat shielding me from life. I have always had it. Sometimes it scares me??? What will I do, who will I be if I am not "overweight Lillie". What excuse for not participating in life will I have? Crap maybe I need some advice!!!

The "No Fill" Visit

Last Thursday I had my monthly check up visit with my Dr. Since I had lost 8 pounds in the month he felt like I did not need a fill. He thought that was really good. It's so hard for me to tell if I need a fill or not. I know in the morning I can't eat much, I know when I eat bread or something like pasta I can't hardly eat it. I do get full. The problem is at night. I don't know if I am hungry or just snacking out of habit??? That is the hardest thing for me. I really think I maybe just like to snack out of habit and boredom, or emotional eating. Me and my husband are not very active in the evening unless we have a meeting or something else to do. I really think the TV bores me, which could cause the snacking. I am going to work hard at not doing that for awhile. Maybe tonight when I get that feeling that it's time to get something to eat, I will write down what I am thinking or feeling. Take care everyone!!!

Bought something NEW!!!

I actually bought a new pair of pants last night. Get this, I have not even tried them on. If they don't fit they will fit soon. I usually don't let myself buy things like that anymore. The rule is usually if they don't fit right now, don't get them. I feel good that these will fit me soon. I will try them on tonight. I am wondering what the Dr will do when I go see him. My loosing is pretty good and I feel restrictive. At night I still have issues, I think its just habits. I try to just have some popcorn (even though i was told not too). I pop it myself in the microwave, in a paper bag, so I know it is very very low in caloriess.

I am really excited to be starting the Mary Kay thing. Tonight I pick up some more of my stuff. My main goal is just to keep involved and make some new friends. The lady that got me started said to me that she wanted to find some place to work that everyone was happy. Well I think it could be a good part time job for me just because of that reason. It's just all about feeling good and making yourself look nice. Becoming the woman I want to be.

Father's Day

For me holidays, any holiday is always about eating and/or food. I worked really hard to have a nice time, cook my husband his special treats and stay the heck out of them. My band has what I think is pretty good restriction, however, nothing stops the wanting of the food. That is just training and habits and learning to release all the stress and not eat. My father is still alive and as usual I didn't get to see him. He was at my brothers. My brother has a really big nice place and can afford all the fun stuff. I can't. Don't get me wrong, I have a great job and I do really good. We basically have all we could ever want, but I don't have the extra money to take my dad on really fancy trips. Just because I can't do those things, doesn't mean I don't want to see my dad. I guess those things are alot more inviting than coming to my house.

This all just goes back to my feelings of insecurity and not being enough. So when this weight is off of me, what will I blame all of these feelings on? I am one of those people that has blamed everything on being the fat girl. I know it's wrong, but heck once you have been doing that for so long that is how it happens.

I think my weight is coming off pretty good, I just keep trying to do what I am suppossed. The exercise is still not good... gotta better at that!!! Everyone take good care of yourself!!